Shame

Now that we just got our OSCE stems, everyone seems to be studying hard more than ever which makes me feel even worse..but for no reason, I still don't feel the rush..
It worries me that I haven't started studying seriously but strangely enough, it doesn't push me into doing something..
I'm gonna write in this blog the reasons why I can't fail this exam..after putting some thoughts into it, the utmost reason is because of the SHAME...

1. how am I going to tell my mom that I failed?
2. how am I (or my mom) going to tell my cousins, aunties n uncles that I'm not graduating by the end of 2010 (maybe I should have told everyone in the first place that MBBS at Monash is a 6-year course)
3. how's my mom gonna tell her friends?
4. how am I gonna tell my STF friends?my UTP friends?KMB friends?
5. Prof Smith will also check on our progress..I am always inspired by him, and I really dont want him to look down on me. I dont think Wai Ee or Linda will know if I failed..but what if I failed n nx yr I'm in their tute again and I don't improve...
6. how am I gonna face my monash friends?
7. If I were to repeat 3rd yr, I can't skip class anymore! Michelle Leech, Andrea Paul etc will always be on my toes
8. I can't enjoy my semester break which I have it all planned out.
9. I can't buy stuff that I promised myself to buy if I passed with flying colours..
10. I lose another year of working.
11. I have to get married even later.
12. I will regret all the time I spent doing nothing productive.
I'm sure there are a lot more reasons but that's all I can think of now..

I hope, by writing this out I will commit to studying!

Dream

After reading my old post about how I wished I could become a better person, how serious I was about focusing on my priorities makes me ask myself...Was I dreaming at that time? Was I being too hopeful? 3 months almost passed, but..had I changed?? or did I become worse?-I don't think so...but I certainly hasn't become the person I thought I would..

Acclimatization?

As requested by one of my bestest friends, Koy..here I am, writing another entry after almost 3 months of silence..
I put the title as acclimatization with a question mark because I totally run out of ideas what to write as the title and I dont want to spend time thinking about such a trivial thing when I should really be focusing on my assignments and the upcoming exam..it is acclimatization because I'm hoping that by writing this entry I could familiarize my brain with writing reflective essays which form major part of my assignments..that is due tomorrow...11th Nov..
I just managed to convince my friends WanZu and Hiswani to join our Single Until 25 Club Trip to KK this January..I'm sorry Koy that you wont be able to join us..but I assure U, we could arrange another trip if you're back in Malaysia and I'm still around..It sounds 'poyo' to name ur club as such but somehow I secretly wish that I could commit to the name that I've given..anyway, I just realised that all those who join our first club activity are the ones who have never been in a relationship (at least to my best knowledge)...funny..aahahahahaha...I'm so excited about this trip even though I've been to KK twice...I can't wait to start planning but I can't do that just yet...I need to wait till the exam's over..this should be another good reason as to why I should be studying hard!!

When I woke up this morning..(only it wasnt morning..it was 2pm)..I was planning not to sleep at all tonight and write those essays...I planned to make myself busy all day until it is night time and then I would be able to fall asleep easily after Isyak prayer..I have been wanting(actually I put trying but deleted it as I think I may not try as hard) to wake up early and lead an ideal life-perform Subuh prayer, go for a jog, study...but it is really hard as I couldnt fall asleep until at least 2am...
now that it's already 3am...I started to feel sleepy and I haven't even started writing the essays...I'm bargaining with myself, I could go to sleep now n then write some of the essays tomorrow, n then on tuesday, I still have a few hours before Professor Smith's tute...I'm sure my brain would be functioning very well under the pressure.. I would surely be able to write a few thousand words when I know I need to...

What should I do now??